I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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