there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
