I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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