yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
