I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
