You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
