So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
