He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Enjoy the penises
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
