i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
