I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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