dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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