It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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