he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
