I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
