What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
