How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
