I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
