take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
