Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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