When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
