omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
