there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
