I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your penis caused this!
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