you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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