I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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