Swine flu. Run for my life!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
