I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
