Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
