I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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