I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize