Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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