I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
