I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
