i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm at about main and main street
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize