The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
