My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
