You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
