Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
