420 ftw
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
