He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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