the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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