He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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