When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
