why do cheetos always look like penises
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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