I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was like eating out sand paper
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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