you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
