I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
