Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
