I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
