Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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