bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
