I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
