ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
