I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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