my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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