It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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