Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
