Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
