neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
