everyone is single if you try hard enough
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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