I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
