I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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