shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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