In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This baby is an asshole
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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